How to handle Difficult (Even Impossible) People !
Difficult people do
exist everywhere. We have all met people who are so prickly and difficult that
no one wants to handle them. In most situations, walking away is an option, and
you escape with no more than ruffled feathers. But some situations are inescapable.
They come in every variety and no workplace is without them. How difficult a
person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your
self-confidence and your professional courage.
Dealing with difficult people is easier when the person is just
generally obnoxious or when the behaviour affects more than one person. Dealing
with them is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your
professional contribution.
Difficult people come
in every conceivable variety. Some talk constantly and never
listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep
commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult
coworkers compete with you for power, privilege and the spotlight; some go way
too far in courting the boss’s positive opinion – to your detriment.
Some coworkers
attempt to undermine you and you constantly feel as if you need to watch your
back. Your boss plays favorites and the favored party lords it over you; people
form cliques and leave you out. Difficult people and situations exist in every
work place. They all have one thing in common. You must address them. No matter
the type of difficult situation in which you find yourself, dealing with
difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
It because otherwise
your situation won’t get better; left unaddressed, it usually gets
worse. Unaddressed, necessary conflict simmers just below – and often
erupts counterproductively above – the surface at work.
Initially, people go
into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so if you take some time to
understand exactly what is happening to you, you are not alone. Once you are
fully aware of what is happening, deciding to live with the situation long term
is not an option. You become so angry and feel so much pain that your efforts
to address the situation become irrational. It’s far better to address the
difficult person while you can maintain some objectivity and emotional control.
Constant complaining about the coworker or situation can quickly earn
you the title of whiner or complainer. Managers wonder why you are unable to
solve your own problems – even if the manager’s tolerance or encouragement of
the situation is part of the problem.
Worst Case Scenario If
You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
Most importantly, if
you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed
for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may
be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can
have devastating consequences for your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the
organization and your boss may tire of you. The boss may decide you are a “high
maintenance” employee, easily replaced with a more professional or cooperative
person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult Co-worker
Many experienced
workplaces in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a
difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s
mailbox is not an option. Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged
coworker’s desk is not a productive option either. Confronting the bully publicly
can often lead to disaster. Putting dead bugs in his desk drawer can leave your
boss no option other than to fire you. So, let’s look at more productive ways
to address your difficult coworker.
Here are some tips
for dealing with difficult people at work.
Don’t get dragged
down—The old saying is “Misery loves company.” The most important thing is
to be aware of who the Debbie and David Downers are in your company and to make
sure they don’t suck you into their world of negativity. Keep your guard
up!
Listen—It’s tempting to just
tune these people out, but this rarely stops them. If anything, they’ll talk
and argue more forcefully because they’ll think nobody cares about them. The
best thing to do is to use good, normal active listening techniques, as you
would for anyone else.
· Use a time limit for venting—Remember
that there is a difference between being a perpetual pessimist and having an
occasional need to vent. Everybody has tough times, and sharing our feelings
can make us feel better. Use the “5-minute rule” when it comes to this. Let
your colleague vent for five minutes, but after that, assume that he’s entered Downer
mode, and proceed with the next steps.
· Don’t agree—It’s tempting to try
to appease Debbie Downer to make him or her stop and go away. As the person
complains about benefits or the boss or whatever, you might be inclined to give
a little nod of your head or a quiet “yeah” or shrug a “what can we do?” Even
though these responses seem harmless, they just throw fuel on the flames.
· Don’t stay silent—If you are
clearly listening but say nothing, Debbie Downer will interpret your silence as
agreement. Worse, if others are present, they too will assume that you agree.
Whether the complaint is about the boss or the benefits or the client, silence
means you agree with the complainer.
· Do switch extremes into facts—Negative
people often speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews. They talk
about “never” and “always.” Your first goal is to switch them to fact-based
statements.
In other words ...must take responsibility for your part of the
interaction. Animosity is created in your own heart. Even the most impossible
person had a mother. He was loved by somebody. If you can deal with your own
reaction and take responsibility for it, no step is more productive. Detachment
is always the best response, because if you can interact without having a
reaction, you will be clear-headed enough to make progress in relating to this
difficult person.
Next, try to name what specifically causes the
difficulty. Is the person clinging, controlling, competitive? We all tend to use descriptive words loosely, but
it helps to know exactly what is going on.
Clinging types want to be taken care of
and loved. They feel weak and are attracted to stronger people. If desperate,
they will cling to anyone.
Controlling types have to be right. There is always an excuse for their behavior (however brutal) and always
a reason to blame others. Controlling people are perfectionists and
micro-managers. Their capacity to criticize others is endless.
Competitive types have to win. They see all encounters, no matter how trivial, as a contest. Until they
win, they won't let go. Having identified the
type you are dealing with, don't do what doesn't work:
Clinging types cannot be handled with
avoidance. They are like Velcro and will stick to
you every time you get close. They ignore a polite no, but you can't use direct
rejection without making an enemy. Neutrality hurts their feelings and makes
them feel insecure.
Controlling types won't back down if
you show them concrete evidence that you are right
and they are wrong. They don't care about facts, only about being right. If
they are perfectionists, you can't handle them simply by doing a better job.
There's always going to be something to criticize.
Competitive types can't be pacified by pleading. Any sign of emotion is like a red flag to
a bull. They take your tears as a sign of weakness and charge even harder. They
want to go in for the kill, even when you beg them not to. If you stand your
ground and try to win, they will most likely jump ship and abandon you. Because
these behaviours don't work, what does?
Clinging types can be handled by
showing them how to deal with situations on their own. Give them
responsibility. Instead of doing what they want, show them how to do it. This
works with children, and clinging types are children who have never grown up
(which is why they often seem so infantile). If they try the gambit of saying
that you do the job so much better, reply that you don't. The stronger and more
capable you act, the more they will cling. Finally, find situations where you
can honestly say, "I need your help." They will either come through
or walk away. You will probably be happy either way.
Controlling types can be handled by acting unintimidated. At heart,
controlling types fear they are inadequate, and they defend against their own
insecurity by making other people feel insecure and not good enough. Show you
are good enough. When you do a good job, say so and don't fall for their
insistence on constant changes. Be strong and stand up for yourself. Above all,
don't turn an encounter into a contest of who's right and who's wrong—you'll
never outplay a controlling type at his or her own game.
Competitive types are handled by letting them win. Until they win,
they won't have a chance to show generosity. Most competitive types want to be
generous; it improves their self-image, and competitive types never lose sight
of their self-image. If you have a strong disagreement, never show emotion or ask
for mercy. Instead, make a reasonable argument. If the discussion is based on
facts, competitive types have a way to back down without losing. (For example,
instead of saying "I'm too tired to do this. It's late, and you're being
unfair," say "I need more research time on this, and I will get it to
you faster if I am fresh in the morning.")
There are times when you cannot handle
difficult people and must distance yourself. But even this isn't black and
white.
Self-important people: Let them have their say. You
can't shut them up. Mostly you can ignore their contribution, however. They
tend to forget what they said very quickly. If they domineer to the point of
suffocating you, stay away. The best strategy—the one used by those who
actually love such types and marry them—is to sit back and enjoy the show.
Chronic complainers: These people
are bitter and angry but haven't dealt with the reality that the source of
their anger is internal. Your only option is generally to put up with them and
stay away when you can. Don't agree with their complaints or try to placate
them. They have endless fuel for their bitterness and simmering rage.
Victims: These people
are passive-aggressive. They get away with doing wrong to you by hurting
themselves in the bargain. If they arrive half an hour late at a restaurant,
for example, they had something bad happen to hold them up. The fact that you
are the target of the inconvenience is never acknowledged. The best tactic is
to get as angry as you normally would, if called for. Don't take their
victimization as an excuse. If the victim is a "poor me" type without
the passive-aggressive side, offer realistic, practical help, rather than
sympathy. (For example, if they announce that they might lose their job, say
"I can loan you money and give you some job leads," instead of
"That's awful. You must feel terrible.")
In the short run, most of the everyday difficult
types want somebody to listen and not judge. If you can do that without getting
involved, lending your ear for a while is also the decent thing to do. Being a
good listener means not arguing, criticizing, offering your own opinion or
interrupting. If the other person has a genuine interest in you—most difficult
people don't—he or she will invite you to talk, not simply listen. Yet being a
good listener has its limits. As soon as you feel taken advantage of, start
exiting. The bottom line with practical psychology is that you know what to
fix, what to put up with, and what to walk away from.
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